05/05/2025: Something That Means Something

Just when I was ready to start a week off right, I got sick. I’m trying to start strong now on this late Monday morning a week later. 

I’m convinced that I stressed myself out so much that I got sick. As always, I’m putting a lot of internal pressure on myself as external pressures start to close in around me. For some reason, I’m hyper aware of how alone with my thoughts I am a lot of the time lately, and on top of that I’m trying to navigate a near future reality where we can both finally be free so we can tackle those creative dreams of ours. 

The problem right now is that both of us are steadfast in the same reasoning for different reasons. We don’t want to make a drastic decision that will leave me miserable again, and we don’t want him to remain miserable on our current path. Our conflict is out of care for one another, at least we know that much. But we’re still trying to navigate all these potential choices so that we both come out ahead. 

There just has to be a way for me to do something that means something. I just don’t want to get trapped in a pointless career again and make up excuses to stay, because then we’d be back where we started, albeit in reverse. I just want the cycle to end, for both of us to be able to pursue the things that matter to us, with a roof over our heads and enough money to live comfortably. They don’t call it “starving artist” for nothing. And I’m starting to think that maybe we’re about to enter our starving area. We sure are craving something different right about now, that’s for sure. 

All the cushy salary has brought us is more financial strain and emotional hardship. Without that looming over us, half our problems are already gone, and our life is already that much simpler. I have to believe that no matter what we choose that simplicity is still the goal: less overhead, less stress, and less resentment toward dead-end jobs and the finer things for making us miserable. In other words, I’d rather be getting by doing the thing I love next to the one I love. 

I’m not getting any younger, and I don’t want to waste any more time. I think I’ve learned that “just fine” is great. And it’s time to work hard to figure out what that “just fine” mindset and lifestyle looks like. It’s time to strap in and pursue something real for the both of us for the first time in our lives, because right now I’m just ready for us both to finally be happy at the same time.