06/24/2026: Heard, Not Hurt

Have you ever bared your soul in what you thought to be a safe space, only to be caught off guard by a disregard for your thoughts and feelings? Or asked for advice only to regret it a moment later? If you have, I’m sorry to hear it. As for me, that seems to be at the forefront of my current state of mind every day. 

All the times I’ve felt this way or gone through this are just a montage on repeat right now. I haven’t felt this torn and this much not myself in a long time, not since I made the difficult decision to protect what was left of my sanity and peace and leave the work force. Now I’m at a crossroads that has more forks in the road than I’ve been faced with before, and I’m paralyzed. 

There’s always an obvious path, which is the scariest one for me. I could sell my soul and do the practical thing with not so much as a glance over my shoulder. I could give up this writing dream and just hop back on that wheel, back in the fast lane, back into that numb state of mind where it’s okay to be exploited for a weekly paycheck. But in no universe would I be the me that I’ve come to know and love over the course of five years, and there’s no fiber in my current being that wants that for myself in my present reality.

It would be easy to disregard all avenues that lead in that direction, but unfortunately the guilt remains. I was told that I have to be careful with the word “should” when it comes to doing things, and right now I’ve been thinking about a lot of things I “should” be doing and advice that I “should” be taking. That’s why the alarm bells are going off in my brain right now to run away from and abandon everything that I used to know, because I know what’s down those roads, and that “should” is the killer of all manner of dreams. 

For that reason, I feel compelled to take any path that isn’t obvious, any that might lead to an unknown place, because at least I don’t know what awaits me at the end, and there’s a chance—even if it’s small—that the outcome will be better than the alternative, or at least worth the risk in the end. But something has been holding me back from running forward with reckless abandon, and I wish I knew where all the doubt came from. I know what I want to do, but I think I’m caught in the doomspiral of others around me, those that know nothing about risking it all and throwing yourself into something that takes everything you’ve got, those that “know best” or wonder “what are you going to do with that.” 

Just because it’s been tried and true for most people doesn’t mean that it’s the final destination on my journey, not by a longshot. And if I was simply heard instead of constantly hurt by those who think their advice is highly sought after, or that I would be lucky to be a part of some soulless corporate agenda because “money”, maybe I would be more confident in forging my own path.

But right now I feel a constant lack of support, and I’m surrounded by a plethora of unsound advice that doesn’t align with my character, and I’m trying not to drown. I hope I can stay the course; I still feel like something is happening even if I don’t see the full picture yet. No matter what, this is all worth it. 

I can’t lose sight of that fact.