11/07/2025: All Ups and Downs Considered

Lately I’ve been lonely and uninspired, but as of a couple days ago, I’m finally looking forward to something new. 

After hours of talking things out, I realized that my apprehension about starting my next project was based on unnecessary pressure. For some reason, I’ve been feeling like I should do this, I should do that. But after the subtle reminder that we must do things because we want to, I’ve had a resurgence of creativity. 

I know that I have two potential books to edit, I have short stories to write, and I have a course to take. But what I truly want to do right now is none of those things. I want to work on something brand new, and since I realized that I’m finally returning to myself for the first time in months. I got that vigor back that I’ve been missing, and I’ve been hard at work planning out my next creative venture.

On the loneliness front, nothing has really changed lately. I’m so focused on concerning myself with what my family and friends need that I haven’t stopped to think about what I need right now. And right now I need someone to return even just a sliver of that compassion in kind. 

I always think that my needs are poorly timed and severely disproportionate to what others are going through; I never want to seem like I think their troubles are less important than mine. In fact, I feel silly for having lesser needs, and I want to be supportive for those struggling with heavier burdens. But after a while, my smaller troubles pile on top of one another and I crumble under the pressure, and that’s when I really need someone to lean on. 

I feel like I’ve always loved intensely, that I’ve always poured everything I have into the people I care about and the things I’m passionate about. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m exercising normal amounts of expression or if I’m just being too much. But in recent years, I’ve said it time and time again, and it’s still true: I’d rather be myself and feel joy and pain in all their entirety, even if that means I lead a more isolated existence. 

To say I’ve never felt so lonely yet so free is the truth. I know most people may wonder why I put myself through the pain of growing and becoming the best version of myself—what’s the point if you’re subjecting yourself to solitude and sadness? But for me, the point is that I don’t feel like I fit into this new world of mind-numbing denial. The thought of suppressing my needs and feelings when things get real is tragic to me.

I just want to be myself in every sense of the word. And I know with utmost certainty that if I could go back in time to when I chose to embark on this journey of healing and growth that I’d endure it all again to be where I am now. I know this is the path I’m destined to be on, all ups and downs considered.