08/22/2025: So Many Questions and So Few Straightforward Answers

This will be the last entry of my twenties, and I’m trying to figure out how I feel about that. 

Yesterday I literally dropped our one and only car key in the crack in the floor of the elevator, where it fell down the shaft into the dark void below, lost forever. I was, understandably, in shock and disbelief about it, which didn’t help how I’ve been feeling about things in general lately. I summed it up as a feeling akin to running from an avalanche for months, just barely staying ahead of the chaos behind me. 

Some days it’s easier to put distance between me and the toppling disaster that’s following me, but other days I’d just rather give in and let it carry me away. One might, upon first glance, chalk this up to a crisis that has to do with turning thirty, but I already debunked that theory and the feeling hasn’t changed. 

I really think that life has finally caught up to me in every conceivable way, and I’m paying the price for ignoring things that refuse to be ignored forever. Sure, it bought me some time in the grand scheme of things, but now the reality is staring me in the face. And considering that–crisis or not–thirty is a significant age milestone, I’m thinking a lot about the things I’ve done and haven’t done and the choices I made or didn’t make, and wondering if I’m satisfied with the answers at this stage of life. 

I guess I’m starting to get a sense of what potential disappointments and regrets that come with getting older and–hopefully–wiser feel like. Have I done enough up to this point? Am I being honest with myself about the life I live and the people I surround myself with? Am I any better than I was as a person? Have I grown in positive and promising ways? Am I really on the cusp of the greatest years of my life? Or will I always be desperately reaching for these ideals that aren’t for me? Will I keep down the more difficult path, or will I crumble under the pressure when it really matters, letting the avalanche bury me completely? 

So many questions and so few straightforward answers. But, of course, that’s life.

All I know right now is that I’m alive, I’m healthy, and I have people in my life who love me and that I love very much. I know I’m happy with the direction I’m heading, and taking things day by day has to be enough, because that’s all I have. 

As I go into the weekend and celebrate another trip around the sun, I’ll have fun, but I’ll also think of who I am striving to become in my true adult years, and how I can continue on my journey to become her in all her glory.