07/23/2025: Heart Wrenching Revelations

I’ve had an equally productive and eye opening week so far. I’ve been doing my thing, minding my own business, and out of the blue I got hit with some heavy truths, from an Emily Henry book no less. Ever since I’ve been in deep thought, and I can’t shake it even after a night of contemplation. 

Sometimes it takes the right time and combination of words for something you may have been told before to resonate. Other times it’s those exact words that hit you in a wave and make you realize no one has ever put it that way, or even said it before, and suddenly you’re rethinking a lot of things. 

In the past, I had an unhealthy view of friendship - or lack thereof - and I desperately sought out and clung to the people that came and went through my life. I thought I had to prove myself worthy and try hard to make things work, when the truth is real friendships come naturally and require no effort, self-deprecation or guilt from either party. My fear of losing someone was so great that I would double down and hold on so tight that it would suffocate the relationship completely and cause them to walk away anyway. And I also learned this morning that I’m an anxious/preoccupied personality type, so hello, it’s me, a very hyperaware human that’s suddenly making sense of lots of stuff in my brain and kind of getting messed up over it. 

It took some years and a lot of denial, but eventually I learned a thing or two about myself and I realized that I was putting my happiness into the hands of others all along, and that’s why I was always left wanting at the end of the day, lonely and heartbroken when my “friends” didn’t invite me to events or even bother to text now and then.

And now, in the present day, I’ve had a huge revelation. I was yesterday years old when I put into words the feeling I have about myself and the relationships I nurture or fight for in my current life. I ask everything of a person when I make them a part of my small circle. Asking everything of someone also includes the dark stuff, the past regrets or secret vulnerabilities, whatever that entails. And I realized that by trying to be my most authentic and relatable self, I have unknowingly scared the people in my life. 

People are afraid to bare their souls completely to others, and are keen on hiding the flaws beneath the good they want others to see. And though I’m not trying to force out anyone’s deep dark secrets or trying to make them take a hard look in the mirror, the idea that I’m here for the good and the bad actually instills fear instead of comfort. And I never knew until now. 

All I’ve ever wanted was to be genuine and to be a good human in all the roles I play in my life. But trauma and pain, whether it’s my own or someone else’s, always holds me back in some way, and keeps me from connecting with people I care deeply about. I know that you can only offer your support and lend your ear so much before it’s up to the other person to accept or reciprocate it, and I’m not trying to put unnecessary pressure on anyone. I just wish I had more of a say in putting people’s minds at ease, and in letting them know it’s okay to embrace the bad because if they would just take a minute to look around, they’d see that everyone is going through something, that they are never judged by the real ones, they are never alone, and that it’s a true gift to have people in your life who lift you up and who understand you. 

I feel like whether I’m supportive or superficial, I lose out either way; my approachable and understanding nature makes people retreat, and if I’m fake, then I’m not being true to who I really am. I don’t want to tone my true nature down, but I don’t want to push anyone away by being too accepting. At the end of the day, I know it’s up to the individual to deal with their own demons, and I just have to be sympathetic to that. But it still feels like I drew the short end of the stick, because I still have to apologize for being myself. 

I’m not entirely sure how much sense I’m making, but I just feel it in my soul that a chord has been struck, and it hasn’t stopped echoing in my brain. I know there’s truth in it, enough to cause a heavy weight on my heart as I rethink just about everything I thought I knew before. How is it that I can’t win no matter if I stay or if I go? If I give people space or request their time or the pleasure of their company? I guess I struggle too, because I’ve noticed - also recently during this random time of heart wrenching revelations - that I’m not good at asking for help myself. 

My existence feels like a burden at times - or at the very least a very awkward inconvenience to others - and my problems are so miniscule in comparison to everyone else I know that I’d rather deal with those things on my own and devote my time and attention to bigger problems and the people I love. But then that translates to overwhelming and offputting support, and then I wind up alone with my thoughts anyway. 

To anyone I know who actually reads this: if I ever gave the impression that you have to tell me all of your deepest darkest secrets or be perfect, that was never my intention. On the other hand, however, I really don’t want the fake polite version of you because you don’t know when to call it quits and let the sun set on a once-good thing that we had. It hurts too much. So if that’s wrong of me, then I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree. 

I aim for honesty and transparency in my present day relationships, and for me that means that if I’m going to accept you then I’m all in, scars and all. And I’m not here to change you or accept only your good qualities and to discard the dark parts. I’m just purely here, always striving to be my best self for not only me but also for others, because that’s what being a good human is all about, and more importantly, what being a good friend is all about. You can take it or leave it, but I’m getting really tired of feeling like I need to explain myself, or feeling like I have to keep my distance for fear of being too much. 

If I’m too much, then I’m just not for you, and vice versa. I always knew that the path of growth and change was a lonely one, but my heart aches for a few more cheerleaders in my life, and a couple more people I can truly lean on and say out loud, “Hey, I need you,” without things being too intense or weird. I need support too, and I’m not afraid to commiserate on pain or other matters of the heart and humanity in general, so I guess sue me. I’m sorry if you are afraid. 

And I wish I could make that pain less for you, but it’s your own journey. And for those select few people in my life that I cherish, I’m just asking to be there for all the seasons of your life, no pressure or judgment. Just there for you as I rethink the foundations on which I’ve built most of the things in my life.