04/15/2026: What’s the Point, Really?

I wish people that didn’t know me respected the time and effort that I pour into everything. I know rejection is a part of life, but it’s different when you know that a human being didn’t even look at your application before letting the results of an assessment be graded by a computer that flat out rejects you on their behalf. 

The part that really gets me is the part where I have to play the game just right for someone to consider me a human being worthy of their time and energy. I’m just a failed test to them, a stereotype of a mediocre employee just because I agree, disagree, or remain neutral on statements that contradict one another to trip me up on purpose. If they would give me the time of day, I could tell them anything they wanted to know, and I could set the record straight. Maybe then I’d have a chance. 

I get that there are an overwhelming number of applicants to sort through, but that’s not my problem and I don’t think I should have to suffer for it. On top of that, some jobs aren’t even real, and if they are, the job opening is false from the beginning and the company never has any intention of hiring. My least favorite thing is getting a “do not reply” email that says hiring has been suspended for a job I applied for. What “other direction” is your company going in that just removes the job opening entirely? I’ll never know, but I’ll also never get that time and effort I spent back either. 

This is why I want to work for myself, why my writing journey is so important to me. I’m tired of pretending to be somebody I’m not to get a paycheck. I’m tired of not putting my skills to use in a meaningful position and in a personally impactful way. I know that I have value; I’m competent and I’m driven. But I can’t convince a computer-graded assessment of that, so what’s the point, really?

Sometimes these old fears and doubts trickle into my creative ventures, and I wonder who I am to even think I could make a name for myself as a writer. Each day that I have to wear a mask to find a way to survive, I desperately wish I was further along with my projects, that I never wasted any time doing anything else when I should have been writing. But that doesn’t change anything. I’m bound to the here and now, regardless of what I wish was different. 

The only way to ensure nothing happens is to do nothing, so I’ve been told recently. And it’s true. I don’t know why it’s so hard to do even the things we love at times, but I guess the reality of how short days are—and how short life in general is—can sometimes crash down around us even when we have the best intentions. Other things get in the way, like the menu for the week or looming fake job listings and pressure to apply to them. But such is life, and we’ll all keep marching on regardless.