08/14/2024: In the Rearview

The past keeps trying to haunt me. Since I last wrote I said my piece for yet another futile time and closed a door that I didn’t ask to reopen. I knew going in that nothing would change, and I was right. I just couldn’t leave things on a fake apology; I had to make it known that I won’t ever forgive, so long as the proper amends are never made. And I meant it. 

I don’t understand self righteous people who tell you what they’re ready for you to forgive them for, not the other way around. It’s absurd, and funny how quickly that dissolves when you speak the truth and convict a person of more wrongdoing than what they’re currently admitting to. That’s how I know that true colors always show, because they did, and I got what I needed. 

Once again I can lay this ghost of my past to rest. But still I wonder what words will exorcise this tormented spirit for good. I was told this would be the last time, and all I know is it better be. We’ve both chosen our sides, the hills we are going to die on, and we both know that won’t change. And I would be delusional if I ever said the word sorry to her. 

I’m glad to put this behind me and to be feeling good again this week, at peace. A lot of things that people take seriously are honestly laughable, a sign of a lack of growth and an insatiable need to sabotage other people for having more than them, or something that they want. All I can say is it’s going to take more than these petty attempts to grab at something, to grasp at straws and pull on heartstrings, to shatter my resolve and to destroy the foundation that my love and I stand on, that we built. 

These people will be nothing but a nuisance to me, something to be pitied. I haven’t come this far and learned and grown so much just to crumble under the pressure of a manipulative hand. A gaslighter’s hand, no less. Once someone like that has gotten in your head and you learn that you weren’t the crazy one after all, it’s hard not to smell insincerity from miles away. 

I’m just glad I can see clearly now as I leave that part of my past in the rearview. Today, I think about all the wonderful things in my life and I prepare to chase down my goals as I look forward to sharing myself with the world this month. It’s scary but also exciting to see everything coming together and taking shape. I just hope there are some people out there who are ready for me, that will support and enjoy what I have to offer, and what I have to say.