04/17/2024: The Game of Life
The newfound constant feeling I get when I do anything lately is that I want more. When I finish a run, I almost feel disappointed that it’s over, yet I don’t think I have what it takes to push it further at the same time. When I do my writing or my reworks for the day and still have a whole half day left in the day, I feel like I should put in more work, yet I know I’m on track according to the schedule and plan I created for myself.
I think I aimed low on my goals for this year and that I can feel it. I pretty much resolved to do the same amount of work and to produce another set of twenty odd stories because I thought I would be busier with other things this year. But I can’t help but think I’m more than ready to do more.
This has to be part of why I’ve been feeling off; I haven’t balanced my work and my play correctly. I woke up today feeling eager to do my best, to get to my new happy place as fast as I can and to make the most of this optimism, of this beautiful day before me. I feel energized, the coffee is amazing, and the atmosphere is perfect for what I need and most importantly still want to do.
It has now been over a year since I embarked on my writing journey, and I’m proud to say that I’ve got a lot to show for it. But I think I’m ready to work towards having even more to show for it at my two year mark. I feel like I’m at a point where a momentum shift is coming, much like when I first sat down at my old coffee shop and decided to jump in and pursue this dream of mine.
I’ve sifted through the emotional and mental obstacles that I had in the beginning, and now that my mind is clear and more at peace, the path ahead seems more clear as a result. Learning to get out of my own way has opened up a lot of doors for me in my life, and knowing I have a solid support system is reassuring as well.
I want my love to feel the way I feel, to wake up with the good kind of anticipation, with joy for what the day will bring. It’s clear we are meant to be on a more freeing and creative path, so we can live out this dream for as long as we get to. I know I have to dig deeper for his sake, to pave the way so that when the time comes he will be able to begin his new life with no worries or doubts about providing.
One day I know we will be able to go all in, and break out of this absurd game of life that everyone seems content to continue playing, not even realizing they are numb, slowly dying, hardly the same person they used to be.