09/05/2025: Being Quiet and Playing Small

Ever since I was asked, “In what areas are you playing small in your life?” I’ve contemplated the answer deeply. The question is in reference to all the areas of your state of being where you hold back from being who you are out of fear or insecurities. And I was surprised to find that the answer for me was: just about everywhere all the time. 

For most of my life, I’ve followed the crowd, sharing the opinions of the people in it. I never attempted to be my most authentic self; it wasn’t something I even thought about. But years down the road, I started to have my own opinions and adapted my world view, and I craved a way of life that finally started to fulfill me in all the right ways–just in time for new troubles to arise. 

That’s when I realized that the majority of people were content with never wondering if there was more to life than subduing yourself and fading into the background for fear of being misunderstood. Why be loud and bold and risk being vulnerable? Why do the hard thing of standing up for yourself and your right to coexist as you are with the rest of the world? The short and honest answer is: because it’s hard. And it’s painful.

But what’s more painful? That terrifying reality that only lives in your head, or waking up one day and realizing no one actually knows the real you, that they’ll always have a certain version of you in their heads forever, a version that never grew or changed, that never asked more from the world because they didn’t know how to until now?

Now that I’m tired of being quiet and playing small, I feel more misunderstood than ever. But I know it’s the only thing worthwhile to me, and the pain I’ve traded for these growing pains has been well worth the harrowing journey to find myself here in this moment, contemplating things I never dreamed I would before. 

So whether I’m listened to or not, I will voice my opinions, and if I have nothing to say, I won’t say anything. If there’s something I want, I’ll make it known, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get it. I’ll pour my entire heart and soul into every meaningful relationship in my life, because that’s who I am: loyal to a fault and very emotional about people and things that matter to me. 

If I need time to be alone to deal with my thoughts and emotions or to funnel my passion into something I can be proud of one day, then I’ll disappear, but I’ll be back, and the people who have been there since day one will know where I am and what I’m about. I’ll embrace selfishness as the new selflessness, because we could all use more mental health days filled with rejuvenating things so we can be our best selves inside and out. I’ll be less scared to be loud and play big. I’ll even go so far as to try to be deafeningly loud and to play larger than life. 

I’ll also be fearless and unapologetic in my skin while I do it.