07/04/2025: I’ll Pencil You In

I don’t feel very inspired today; I just feel tired. It’s that deep kind of tired that I get when I’m planning for a lot of things that are happening at rapid speed, and it always feels like I wear myself out most when I’m supposed to be ramping down for a much needed vacation. I know I’ll be so happy to be there in a couple days. I just need to make it there prepared to actually relax.

There’s a fine line between being an efficient planner and a hyper focused, obsessive compulsive preparer. And lots of times those lines blur in my overactive mind, and I don’t realize I’ve made myself sick with overloaded thoughts and that my tank is empty until long after the fact. I’m nothing if not a lover of avid planning - I make a mean grocery and packing list after all. But you’d think I would have learned how to find the balance by now. 

I’m always the butt of the jokes when it comes to what my friends and family think of my planning habits. They always have to be “penciled in” according to them, and they always jab at me for my “schedule” when I visit. Though I know it’s light banter most of the time, I can’t help but wonder: Why do I get judged for living my life? If I like to know what’s happening ahead of time, is that wrong? It doesn’t mean I can’t still be flexible. 

Do I just care more than I should? Because I guarantee if I just flew by the seat of my pants everywhere I went - in other words, if I ceased to be myself per the world’s wishes - I would see people less often and I’d probably disappoint them more because of it, even though it happens to me all the time and nobody else cares when it’s the other way around.

The way I see it, my sometimes intense desire to plan certain aspects of my life comes from a deep seated place of love and care. If I’m making it a point to devote my time and energy to someone, then they must be pretty special, and I want them to know I put forth a conscious effort to be in their lives. I don’t measure the quantity of time, because as an adult, time flies and you meet more people that you want to make room for as you go along. 

I do, however, value quality over anything else. I only wished that people understood that about me. I wouldn’t be the same beloved person to those I know and love if I was any different. So I can’t apologize for not meeting everyone else’s self important expectations. Whether we mean to be or not, we are all selfish in relation to our lives, our habits and our relationships. I just ask to have the privilege of getting to be the same, off of the pedestal that I don’t think I put myself on all on my own.