04/18/2025: A Catalyst or a Noodle
We’ve been throwing a lot of ideas around lately trying to figure out where on Earth we’re heading on these creative journeys of ours. It seems to come down to the fact that, at this point, we might need a catalyst to throw things in motion so we’re forced to make a decision and dive headfirst into the life we want.
On the other hand, we’ve been helplessly throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. So far nothing has stuck, but if one single noodle would just stay on the wall, I’d take that as a promising sign that my hope isn’t misplaced.
As we wait for the other shoe to drop or for that metaphorical pasta to finally stay put on that chipped wall, we grow more restless by the day. One minute we can see a clear path forward - not without a great deal of sacrifice of course, but a path nonetheless. The next minute we’re gasping for air and clawing for the surface as we slowly drown in the life we no longer want to live but don’t know how to escape.
It’s so easy for others who don’t understand the creative journey to say, “Just do something else,” or “Just keep doing what you’re doing.” But these people haven’t craved something down to their very soul. They don’t know what it’s like for something to be a must, a have to. It’s something that transcends want, the only thing that will ever truly satiate us in the end.
The ache is hard to put into words, sometimes near impossible to describe. But if you’ve felt it, you understand it. And all I know right now is that time is way too short, we know what we want to do, and we have family that loves us that we could lean on to get out if we really needed to. The idea is enticing for sure, to be able to just cut and run and let the rest come after.
I don’t think I’ve ever been impulsive or daring once in my life. I’ve always done what everyone else was doing, and there was always a clear path forward. But somewhere along the way I realized it wasn’t even my path at all, and ever since I’ve been trying to make up for lost time. We both have. Starting over at this point would definitely be terrifying, but at the same time it sounds like it could really be liberating. With the crippling weight of our current situation on our shoulders, it would be such a burden lifted.
I can’t stop thinking about something I read recently: “Stay near to what feels true, even if it’s quiet or a bit unclear.” I know the paths we’ve chosen are what we want, what we need. I know this is the era of making art and not friends. The support we’ve had since the beginning will remain, and those that never understood will continue to never understand. And that has to be okay. As for things being unclear, we’re definitely uncertain of what’s going to come of all this equally hopeless and hopeful dreaming, but we can’t shake the feeling that things can’t stay the way they are for too much longer, lest we cease to go on living. And right now, it’s so quiet all around me and so much is unclear. So maybe the era of the catalyst - or that single shred of hope, that single noodle - is upon us.