Mid-Spring Reflections

We’re already almost four months into a new year and I feel like I’m just now getting started. A lot has happened and yet a lot of things have stayed the same. But I’m eager to celebrate the wins after all the stagnation and failures and to just keep going.

We had a great road trip and time at home for the holidays. I love long drives filled with meaningful conversation, goofing off and sightseeing with my favorite person. I know it makes me immature on all counts, but before living in Denver I never knew that Toot ‘N’ Totum gas stations existed in the Amarillo, TX area and therefore I had a laughing fit when we stopped in a one horse town to grab gas and Wendy’s and I couldn’t even order my food. 

I got to stay at the famous Big Texan Motel and eat at the even more famous Big Texan Steakhouse next door, and despite all the hype around the place, I don’t actually think I’d go again. I came, I saw, got a decent room, had a less than great steak and got stuck in the hoard of people in the tiny gift shop after I fought my way to the front to pay and the cashier informed me that shirts were Buy One Get One Free off the rack in the center of the shop where I had just fought for my life to escape. I got a cool shirt at least and got to gift another, so I guess all in all it wasn’t a waste of an experience. My favorite thing will always be turning on old Friends, Big Bang Theory, and Modern Family reruns in the hotel room. It always brings me comfort when I’m in a new place. 

I’ve found that as I get older, I look forward to wrapping presents and seeing others’ reactions more than I enjoy getting anything in return. I loved spending a whole half day wrapping and anticipating the big reveals on Christmas morning. I was glad to spend much needed time with family and friends and get to experience some rain while we were there. That’s still one of the top things I miss about home. The craziest thing that happened while I was home was that our local Cracker Barrel was out of apple butter AND cornbread, which is a first in my whole entire life. But don’t worry, we survived. 

We also got to escape to our favorite place in nature while we were home, the Postcard cabins, previously known as Getaway. I had a panicked moment the morning we were heading to the cabin when I went to pick up a Walmart order with alcohol in it and realized I left my wallet - more specifically my ID - on the table at my mother-in-law’s house. But then I remembered that I’m a Colorado resident now, and they have a nifty app that has a digital copy of your driver's license in it and everything. So, disaster averted. And also, #WINNING. 

We arrived on a perfect rainy day to our little cabin and had an absolute blast celebrating Caleb’s 30th and New Years together. We enjoyed time doing the creative things we love, and I got some reading in. I finished another book in the ten book cozy mystery series I’ve been reading, and I can’t recommend the Spellbound series by Annabel Chase enough. We made some potato soup, one of Caleb’s favorite meals his grandma used to make, and we drank and played quarters and listened to music to pass the time. 

One night we got to build a fire, and we enjoyed reading and talking until we heard a loud noise in the darkness and we decided that the fun was over because it freaked us out. But holing up and watching movies wasn’t a bad alternative. We watched a new movie - that became an instant new favorite for me - called My Old Ass, and we rewatched Hercules, an old favorite.   

On the road trip back to Colorado, I got my Sonic grilled cheese fix that I’ve been missing for a while, and you can believe me or not believe me all you want, but I know for a fact that Caleb and I saw a UFO out in the middle of nowhere while driving to our hotel in the middle of the night. So there’s that. I mean I didn’t figure we were alone in this world, but seeing something you just can’t quite explain that you and your husband happened to see at the same time makes me wonder and get a little anxious about what we don’t know in this vast universe. It’s equally awe inspiring and terrifying.

When we got home, we just dropped our still packed bags on the floor, made a charcuterie board dinner - courtesy of my cousin who got us one of those kits for Christmas with summer sausage and cheese - and we played Rocket League together. There’s nothing like that simultaneous relief and pure exhaustion you feel when you finally get back from a long trip. 

Another amazing set of books I read over the holiday break are Legends & Lattes and Bookshops & Bonedust by Travis Baldree. I can’t believe I didn’t know cozy fantasy existed before I found his books, but there’s certainly no going back now. I can’t wait for his next book that’s coming out later this year. I think I might want to be like him one day, or at least someone who might become a trailblazer in an entirely new subgenre. If you like coffee shops, book stores, loveable characters and low stakes, you’ve gotta check it out. It’s like if The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings were about hanging out in taverns together after the epic far off adventures.

I made the decision to up my Process membership this year, so I’ve been trying to go to more fun writing events and I’ve been going to sessions during the day. So far it’s been going well, despite my complete and utter failure to do so this whole month of April. But Caleb came with me to my first comedy show/hangout which was a blast, and at least I made it to Friday Night Writes, where it all began! It’s still my favorite event, and I’m still meeting new people and getting lots of meaningful work done every time. 

I’m trying to get back to meditation and yoga as I continue my running journey. I also discovered yin yoga, which has been a nice recovery day treat. I ran my second 5k in March, a St. Patrick’s Day themed run, and McDonald’s breakfast never tasted so good afterwards. I also signed up and am currently preparing for my third race, a 5k at the Rockies stadium that I’m really excited for because it’s a run in the city and on the baseball field with beer, hot dogs and free baseball tickets after. In general, it’s just been hard to keep up the entire routine, with the state of the world and all. But I still love that feeling of coming back to running or another type of workout that I’ve missed, and I finally decided that Rock Bottom for me couldn’t get any lower - lest I just give up on life altogether - so I started to climb my way out of the miserable hole I dug at the start of the year. Things are looking up, people. 

I didn’t really feel like my new year truly bagan until the second full week of January, and I’ve slipped again since then but I’m doing okay now. I started to lay off on the excessive political news and video consumption after watching and doom scrolling too much. And this time, I’ll keep it off. Ha. If you know, you know. Just know we’re in a really bleak time if we can’t even laugh at John Oliver’s political satire anymore because it’s all too real at the end of the day. Despite everything being so doom and gloom, I still enjoy watching Hasan’s videos and listening to Bernie Sanders’ words of wisdom that inspire deep thought and a little hope that enough people will care enough to make real changes eventually. Or not. But it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one wishing.  

I still love my coffee outings - even though they’ve all been to go lately - and my chai and matcha lattes at home. The Bad Ass Coffee shop just opened in the city and I’m obsessed with their chai lattes, and I’ve also developed a late-in-life obsession with the Winter Edition Red Bull flavor Iced Vanilla Berry. Also the Pink Berry one is a close second.  

Before my creative slump took hold, I finished the third story in a rough draft series that I hope one day will be a full fledged novel trilogy. I love these characters I’ve created so much, and it would be wild to see them in a published set of books one of these days. I also read the greatest two fantasy books I’ve ever read in my entire life: Name of the Wind and The Wise Man’s Fear by Patrick Rothfuss. I was literally depressed when I finished the two books, because I’ve never read prose so beautiful and descriptive before and also because I know I’ll never read anything else like it. The third book has also been in the works for the last decade, so I’m desperately hoping that someday soon it’ll come out and I can get the closure I need so badly. I know that part of my creative slump came from being sad about this, but it also inspired me to write a couple Rothfuss-esque short stories that I had an absolute blast writing.

I’ve also sunk my teeth into an unexpected book: Killing Floor, the first Jack Reacher novel by Lee Child. I’m surprised at how much substance this action packed ex-military vigilante book has, and I have thirty more books to enjoy about this character. I’m not truly surprised I like the book because I really love the Amazon Prime show Reacher, which is another one I highly recommend. I also discovered a unique little book called The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, a book that creates and defines new words to describe all those thoughts and emotions that we struggle to put into words in our daily lives. It’s been really eye opening so far, and I would highly recommend it if you’re looking for some beautiful and thought provoking stuff.   

Another thing I did before The Slump was enter the NYC Midnight short story contest. It was a great opportunity to write something I wouldn’t normally write since you’re provided a random prompt and themes to include in your story. And that’s how an old sea story was born, which I love despite the fact that it didn’t place in the contest. I don’t know why contests break my heart so much even when I know it’s just something to do for fun, but I always have that initial tinge of disappointment and sometimes dread and doubt about not being good enough. But it wasn’t as bad as the contest before. So I guess I’m starting to get used to it.

Caleb and I still enjoy impromptu afternoon walks and pizza nights, and of course our weekly date nights, where we get Chipotle and watch movies and YouTube videos and play Baldur’s Gate 3 together. That’s even what we did on Valentine’s Day this year. We holed up and watched YouTube videos before having drinks, dessert and a BG3 session. He still hasn’t finished one entire playthrough, so I’m holding him to it this time. I finished my Baldur’s Gate Dark Urge playthrough, a dark and sinister storyline that was liberating to live vicariously through, and I already started my next solo playthrough, which will be my magnum opus as I try to unlock every achievement and read every book in the game. We’ve also played some Civilization 7 together and some Magic, and enjoyed a few cozy snowy reading days in and our first rain of the year in Denver, and some much needed days where Caleb takes off work and we go to the coffee shop and the park, do our creative things, and just hang out. I even got to sit and read 200 pages in a single day, which was amazing and a much needed escape from reality. I also used one of my sessions at The Process just to go into the Lo-Fi Lounge in the back and read on the comfy couch, because sometimes writers just need to read for a while.  

Another great game I finished recently was Neva, by the developers of the Gris game. They both have wordless narrative storylines, where you explore and complete puzzles with beautiful scenery and music in the background. I highly recommend both games for those that like simple and non-stressful gameplay and lots of beauty to appreciate. If you want to laugh your butt off, then I recommend trying to play an old Classic Nintendo game with wonderful 8-bit graphics and wonky controls. Caleb watched me attempt to play Tecmo Bowl, an old NFL football game that was pretty bad, but hilarious to try to figure out. I threw all the picks and got none of the touchdowns. I’m a little better at the Dr. Mario game, which feels just like Tetris but it’s Mario themed and you’re matching the colors of little viruses and pills. I also dug out our old Oculus VR headset and played some Beat Saber. “Crab Rave” will always be my favorite song. I also still hate how frustratingly difficult Hollow Knight is for me, even though I love everything about it. I always seem to forget until I die at least fifty times that it’s impossible. I’ve also experienced an Animal Crossing resurgence for the first time in forever. It's nice to come back to the cozy vibes of one of my favorite games when life is stressful. Another dying genre of games I still miss dearly is flash games online. I found a free version of the old Snake game I used to play at school on some math games website and even my grandma’s old Nokia phone, and I also found an old taco restaurant game that I used to devote hours to and that I just devoted even more hours to once I rediscovered it. I just miss the simplicity of games like that that just don’t matter.       

We’ve watched lots of great stuff recently, and two of the top ones are The Truman Show and Val, the Val Kilmer documentary. The Truman Show was a real treat and my first time watching it. The movie really shows Jim Carrey’s range as an actor, and I was laughing and getting my heart broken in equal measure. The same goes for the Val documentary. It’s amazing that he documented so much of his life and thought to share his story with the world. He was definitely gone too soon, and it was hard to accept when we watched the documentary after he passed. Such an amazing person and gift to the world. 

I also invited Caleb to go on a Damien Chazelle deep dive with me, the director behind probably my favorite movie of all time, La La Land. I literally watched it twice in one day, and the second time I stayed up to watch it by myself and I quietly cried and rethought my entire life because I want to be one of those fools who dreams, and I’m sick of how things are with the world and how it confines us to a seemingly inescapable box. After that I even watched Chazelle’s college thesis film, which was the inspiration for La La Land, called Guy & Madeline on a Park Bench, and then Whiplash after that. Then Caleb and I watched First Man again (it’s still amazing to me that this is the same director), and Babylon for the first time, which was a wild but beautiful ride about Hollywood back in the silent film days. Another fun fact about Chazelle’s movies is that his old college roommate and friend does the movie scores for all of his movies, which is pretty cool. This was a really fun deep dive for me and I can’t wait to see what else this guy does in the future, or rather, these guys together.

Some other things we’ve watched recently are Castlevania: Nocturne - which was good in a different way than the original show - and Dave Chappelle’s latest SNL monologue, which was so funny and real and deep all at once. I love how unapologetic and honest comedians are. I also really enjoyed SNL 50 a lot, seeing all the greats return and reprise some of their most popular skit roles. If you need a downright ridiculous set of laughs, I recommend Super Troopers 1 and 2, per Caleb’s coworkers’ request. He says that the sequel is the best sequel ever made, and I might be inclined to agree with him in the goofy old school comedy department. It’s sad that this genre of fun movies is dying. Or is it already dead? Treasure Planet was a treat, and I can’t believe I missed out my whole childhood until Caleb told me it was his favorite. Another great one we forgot about and rewatched was Fern Gully. It’s so nostalgic and surprisingly still holds up after all these years. We also rewatched Onward, which I love and belly laugh and cry at every time. 

I’ve also enjoyed another Top Gun double feature recently, the Thirteen Lives movie (based on a true rescue mission of a soccer team and their coach who get stuck in a flooding cave in Thailand, with amazing actors Viggo Mortensen, Colin Farrell and Joel Edgerton), Paul and Hot Fuzz (two great Simon Pegg and Nick Frost classics), The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare (also based on real events), The Last Duel (for the millionth time, accompanied by my old practice of taking notes and dissecting things I love and why), Marcel the Shell with the Shoes On (I always love this wholesome story about an animate shell who is looking for his lost family in a quirky documentary style movie), Bill Burr’s new comedy special Drop Dead Years, Drive, the How to Train Your Dragon trilogy, the Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy plus the fifth one (because we all know the fourth one is the worst, and the fifth is just a fraction better than that one and I only watch it for the last minute and the post credits scene; there’s just nothing else out there like the main trilogy), Parent Trap (the Lindsay Lohan one; I listened to a Nat King Cole radio on Spotify and as soon as I heard the “L-O-V-E” song I had to watch the movie), Pride and Prejudice and Princess Diaries 1 and 2. These last three movies never get old for me.            

I got an unexpected compliment from a Reedsy judge about how my work as a volunteer judge hasn’t gone unnoticed. I’m loving the community I’ve found through writing contests and reading other peoples’ stories. I’ve enjoyed hanging out with friends and watching nostalgic cartoons (Mulan and Anastasia) and throwing a little Super Bowl party for the four of us. At least I can say the food was great and the halftime show was amazing. I went all out on some slow cooker carnitas, cilantro lime rice, street corn and 7 layer dip. I’m also happy for said friends for their big move and their new house. Their new town is absolutely charming and they have the best dogs on the planet. I got my first jury summons, which literally ruined weeks of my life as I anxiously waited to find out if I was going to get picked and get sequestered for a month for some high profile trial. But it all worked out, and they dismissed all the jurors so I didn’t even have to go. 

Caleb and I have gone to two great concerts already, A R I Z O N A and Sturgill Simpson. We went to see A R I Z O N A while I was in my slump, and the lead singer said something that I really needed to hear and I never forgot: 

“If you’re not doing the thing you love with the people that love you, you’re wasting your time.” 

His choice of words meant everything to me, and it forced me to think about the mental state I’ve been in and how much I need to focus my energy on my own things, especially the things that make me happy while savoring these things with the people who reciprocate my love for them. He could have easily said “with the people you love,” but he didn’t. And it changed my whole perspective. Even though this was an amazing concert, Caleb and I both knew before we even went that Sturgill Simpson was going to be the best concert of the year, and we’re still seeing Chris Stapleton in August, so that’s saying something. They’re definitely unique in their own ways, and I love them both. But the Sturgill concert was everything and more, and I’m so sad that we talk about this concert in the past tense now after we eagerly awaited the day for months on end. It was a three hour show of perfection, with no opener and lots of guitar jams and funny banter in between. If you’ve never heard of him, I recommend checking him out. Every album is a spin on a different genre entirely, which is one reason he’s so amazing. Something he said that stuck with me is that once people expect him to make the same kind of music, he immediately runs in the opposite direction; he refuses to be confined to one genre or the expectations of others, and that’s something that a fellow creative can really admire. The man came out and played for three hours with a cold too, so I commend him for this and for still putting on one of the best shows I’ve ever had the pleasure of experiencing.  

We got to go on some fun adventures outside of the city recently. We took our friend to the Royal Gorge Park in Cañon City, where we walked the highest suspension bridge in the U.S. and got to ride the Royal Gorge Train and stand in an open train car and take in the GORGE-ous views (yes, pun intended). I also got to ride a gondola for the first time, which was way cooler and less scary than I anticipated. Caleb and I also went to a cabin in Golden and spent a much needed weekend in the mountains with the most amazing snow and mountain views from a cozy sunroom. We bird watched, talked a lot, drank and played Magic, spent some time reading, and we also watched Napoleon Dynamite and Superbad, two staples from those early days of comedy that stuck with us. We even got to get some retail therapy on our way back to the city, and we stopped at the mall in Golden and I got to buy a mini puzzle and some Avatar the Last Airbender Bitty Pop figurines. We also got Starbucks, Auntie Anne’s and Five Guys. I don’t like shopping until I drop, but I do like going to two stores and getting so tired that I want to go home and not come out again for a month. I just don’t know how people shop all day every weekend. It’s so draining in excess, but I’m glad I got to go for just a little while. 

In sports news, I’m a Cowboys fan so you know everything you need to know about how the season ended for us. I was also sad that my runner ups, the Lions and the Bills, didn’t make it either. But hockey is in the playoffs currently so I’ve got some newfound excitement and hope. Caleb won a raffle at work for two box seats at the Stars and Avalanche hockey game at Ball arena last Wednesday. And I don’t feel like dwelling on the awkward and embarrassing parts of the experience anymore, but some people are just insufferable jerks and I’m glad that we beat their team that night. It made me feel extra better. It was a really exciting overtime win, and we got to go home with our heads held high and talking all the mad smack that I could muster because there were a lot of butt hurt Avalanche fans. I mean, I can’t help it if they start it and I have to finish it. I’m really hoping this 7 game series is short and sweet for us.   

Among the little things are rare and simultaneous McDonald’s and Taco Bell runs with Caleb when we can’t decide on one fast food place, and Audi and Subaru car counting on the way and realizing that everyone drives a Subaru in this town somehow. A new activity on the self care menu is music while I shower and get ready for my day. Add a candle and an occasional bubble bath and you’ll feel completely restored, guaranteed. These things always get me into my deep thinking feels. Spring deep cleaning is always a nice vibe, and it’s always nice to kick back with a candle lit with the windows open and enjoy the fruits of our labor. I had an impromptu solo dance party while Caleb was at art class and relived the High School Musical and Victorious dance days. I spent an entire weekend working on the hardest 1000-piece puzzle I’ve ever done, making me seriously contemplate retirement from puzzling entirely. 

Caleb and I started to have inspiration meetings again, and I got to catch him up on the short stories he’s missed, which was much needed for both of us. It’s nice to feel the support of the one I love most, and the one who loves me most. It was a necessary and fun journey, rereading my stories and remembering that old feeling of excitement and joy and realizing how far I’ve come. I got two weeks straight of book retail therapy, and it was great, but I’m banning myself from buying books for the rest of the year if I can help it. I know I have plenty, but there’s nothing like buying a million more books you won’t get around to for years and years to come. An amazing feeling is wrecking your newly cleaned teeth with Starbucks and a cake pop the minute you leave the dentist. It’s also awesome to eat a Kid Cuisine in the name of nostalgia and play some Minecraft for the first time in years. I really enjoyed mailing hand written letters to my family recently, and getting a letter back from my mom. It’s a feeling that I don’t think future generations are ever going to experience or understand in this world of technology at their fingertips at all hours of the day. We’ve also enjoyed video calls with both our families too, which is always nice when we haven’t been home in a while.   

The mental turmoil that I’ve been trudging through pretty much defined my whole year so far. I’ve spent lots of time hanging with and talking to friends, and I’m learning to be a better listener when others need it most. I’ve come to the bittersweet realization that people grow and change in unique ways, and I’m no exception to that fact. I’ve drank too much and realized that I just want my opinions to exist right alongside everyone else’s because that’s not too much to ask. But after lots of ups and downs, I’m finally moving out of my true reevaluation period as I move into the rest of April with hopefully a little more hope and inspiration than I had before. I’m getting my notes and thoughts in order to start my potential novel manuscript, starting a Margaret Atwood Master Class, and I’ve been striving and somewhat succeeding at writing 4 hours a day. I even did a fun exercise, where I made a list of all the stories that I thought could potentially be books one day and wrote loglines and synopses for each one so I could get an idea of my sense of direction and if they could thrive as full blown novels. It feels like it’s all starting to come together. It’s been too long since I was able to say that I actually hit the ground running on a Monday and got some meaningful work done. I know I originally planned to hit the ground running in January, but something just feels right about really getting my footing in the spring. It’s a season of new beginnings, at least I hope so after the rough start to the year that I had. And now that even bigger potential life changes are looming overhead, I need all the courage and motivation I can muster as I get back into the groove of my craft and we make one of the biggest decisions of our lives so far. But that’s a blog for another time.